Monday, August 13, 2007

Criminal Profiles

Code Name: The Bun

Criminal Activities: Climbing illegal surfaces, including (but not limited to) the piano, the kitchen table, the computer desk, the stereo equipment, and the outdoor balcony. Additional crimes include peeing outside designated areas, resisting arrest (on several occasions), and stealing food from kitchen or parents' plates after refusing his own rations.

Weaknesses: Cannot resist milk (possible baiting technique). Loves parks, especially the slides and sandboxes (excellent place to stage a capture).

Prospects For Successful Capture: Very poor. Fugitive is both quick and clever, and has recently brought in a partner ...

Code Names: Speck, Princess Pooperdoop

Criminal Activities: Resisting tummy time, pooping well outside of designated areas on numerous occasions, public breast milk drunkenness, suspected of aiding "The Bun" in his climbing sprees by creating a distraction at inopportune times.

Warning: Master of psychological warfare techniques, specialty involves loud and pitiable crying. All subjects so far tested have succumbed almost immediately when exposed.

Weaknesses: Addicted to nursing (although separation from source leads to much yelling but no noticeable change in criminal behaviors), needs frequent cuddling (again, difficult to find a practical use, employs aforementioned psychological warfare skills)

Prospects For Successful Capture: Almost no hope of taking into custody or reforming at this time. Studies of this criminal are ongoing.

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